Holidays

I've been a stay at home mommy for over 2 weeks now and I totally forgot how much I really enjoy it. I remember going back to work and it was kind of nice to get a break from the kids, but I really did miss this and I feel like my kids grew up so much while I wasn't around it's insane. I'm so glad to be home again. It is definitely my preference. It's not easy and I due to Tyson working so much more I'm definitely having to pick up the slack, he really is such a helpful person and he still can't go to bed if there are dishes in the sink, no matter what time he gets home.

Baby is doing good and as far as they can tell her feet are straight, I'm praying it stays that way. Not that I don't love Shriners, but I'm so looking forward to being done with them, as far as Jackson is concerned, next year. They really have been amazing and so supportive, it's just a drive. I don't mind this once every 9 months thing so much as I did the once a week thing. Anyways, Charlotte is right on track (actually a little ahead of schedule) and weighing in about almost 2 lbs. I'm holding to my theory that she's gonna be big.

Thanksgiving was fun, it was busy! Sometimes I wish Tyson's family and mine weren't so darn close. It's hard to have to go to everyone's house every holiday, it doesn't make for a particularily relaxing day. That said I'm holding Thanksgiving again on the 16th at my parents and my in-laws are coming. I really wanted a Thanksgiving with the food I want! Deep fried turkey (it really is amazing), real stuffing with sausage and probably mushrooms, we are doing English roasted potatoes (with a deep fried turkey it's kinda hard to do gravy and I swear they are the best potatoes ever), sweet potatos (probably along the lines of Texas Road House, already did my other for the regular holiday), corn casserole (never had it, but it was all over pinterest and I'm anxious to try it out), and a few other things here and there, oh and pie, homemade cream pies! Are you hungry yet?

I think we are done with our Christmas shopping (mostly because I major lack of self control yesterday) It's not going to be really anything big in our house (mostly due to lack of funds), but I think it will be nice and the boys should be pretty happy. It helps that they don't really understand the whole idea of presents yet. I don't think I'll be so lucky next year, but we'll see. One of the things they do understand is Christmas lights, Christmas trees, and Santa (well the decoration version anyways). I love that they are at an age where they are starting to understand holidays and get excited about them.

Well I think that's all for now, have a Merry Christmas if I don't get my act together to write before then.

Updates

- Our baby girl is doing great and I've kinda got the feeling she is going to be huge, which probably isn't a bad thing when she has 2 older brothers who I'm sure will be ready to attack her at a moments notice.
- My last day of work was Wednesday, and I am officially a stay-at-home mommy! I'm in heaven and it's not even been a whole 2 days yet. I'm thinking it will really hit me when it's Monday and I'm not up and running to get the boys to the babysitter and me to work on time.
- Tyson is working on overload, probably at least 50 hrs a week the past 2 weeks, and school, I'm so proud of him, and I think he actually likes to be busy, but the new schedule is definitely catching up to him. I'm excited we are gonna get some down time this weekend.
- Sad new, that I'm sure you've all heard, Obama won, and my/our country has gone to pot, literally. Also Hostess is closing down, and I had to go buy boxes of zingers, twinkies, and cupcakes this morning, I was sad that they were out of Ho-Ho's and Ding-Dongs. No I'm not a big junk food eater, but it's a part of my childhood that my children won't understand and that is very sad to me. Twinkies are also one of the reasons I knew my sister in law well long before my husband. Also very sad is those thousands of workers now out of jobs right before the holidays. That was our life last Christmas and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. (Is this what Obama had in mind, because if so he's succeeding wonderfully?) I'm just very glad that this holiday season is going to be vastly different for us than the last one.

Good luck to all of you in need of a Christmas/Holiday miracle, I hope you get everything you need and that you are able to appreciate all that you do have.

Good All Around

So on the 16th I gave notice, my last day of work will be November 14th! I have 8 working days left, sometimes I wish I could get it over and done with, but it will be good as long as I can work my regular schedule for the next 3 weeks. I'm so glad October is just about done because my work schedule was nuts!

Tyson's job is going great, he really seems to like it. He get's about 16 hrs at the school and can do more at home and his hours are going to start going up at Famous, so it's really starting to look like everything is working out. I really need to have more faith. I feel like I keep going though this same trial. Everytime I think we are about to be totally screwed something works out, I'm hoping this time it really sticks, because I'm getting sick of it! :)

On the fun side of things, I finally got my act together and made my boys Halloween costumes, (they are buns, because mommy has a "bun in the oven", I made one for my shirt too with a little bow on it.) It's probably the only year I'll get away with it, I'm sure next year they will really want a say in what they are. I also made some Amish Friendship Bread, which is one of my favorites, but man it's such a pain just because it's a 10 day process. Saturday we went to our twin group Halloween party, followed by the Halloween train in Heber, then back home, Tyson had to go to work, then my parents came over for dinner, then lastly the ward Halloween party and Trunk or Treat. It's been fun the last month or so because the boys are really starting to understand and get excited about holidays, they loved saying, "Trick or Treat," and they made me really proud that almost everytime they said "Thank You."

So anyways, things are improving and you can probably tell because I think these posts are definitely getting more upbeat.

Finally, some good news!

We went to Shriner's today, my son Jackson was born with clubbed feet, so we've been doing this for just over 2 years now and they told us 1 more and we should be done! They said his feet look perfect and they got a kick out of watching the boys play together, they also gave the boys pumpkins which absolutely thrilled my little men who are just infatuated with Halloween. We also went to Bruges, which is this tiny little hole in the wall place that has the most amazing waffles (leige) on the planet, it's part of our Shriner's tradition.

After that I went to a funeral (not the best part of the day) it was very nice and I will miss Tex, (my uncle's father, not my grandpa) I honestly can't remember ever seeing him without a smile on his face.

After that I got to hang out with my mom and my boys a little bit while Tyson was at school. We had fun and my boys just love their grandma! Tyson got called in early to work (which I'm a little sad about, I really wanted to have dinner with him, but we desperately need the money, so ultimately I'm grateful). While on his way to work he got a call about an interview last week and got told he got the job! I don't know too many details, but it's at UVU, which is where my hubby is half the day anyways and actually after some training time and stuff they said he could probably do it from home. It's part-time, which is kind of what we've been looking for, his other job is in the evenings, so he should be able to do this earlier in the day and get everything done. Also this should allow me to come home! I told my boss last week I really wasn't planning on being there past November. I had put off saying something for a really long time, I just never felt timing was right, then all of the sudden it felt ok to put it out there. I'm so very excited. Really we are hoping for something a little more permanent, but I if we can just make it to the end of the year, well really till we get our taxes, we will be good for a while longer and I'm starting to feel much better about things. Yay! it's about time!

Bulletpoints

- We are having a girl! Can't wait to meet you Charlotte!
- We actually grew our own pumpkins this year, I have 3, granted I'm still gonna have to buy one to carve, whatevs
- Tyson's still looking for extra/new work, we are saying lots of prayers
- Still can't wait to get away from my job. Might have to do with being accused of being a thief because we ran out of pizza 1 night last week, first time ever (my immediate supervisor told them they were nuts, which they were/are)
- After tomorrow I get a 7 day weekend, with a UVMOM's night thrown in there somewhere, and if I'm really productive maybe I'll get my kids halloween costumes made
- After 7 day weekend I'm gonna not have a fun 8 days, but oh well
- My TV shows are back, yay! I know, I'm totally pathetic, but really I have very little to look forward to lately
- General Conference this weekend, I'm in desperate need of some inspiration, bring it on!

Semi rant and ready for 2012 to be over

Here's the rant, sorta... So I'm on medicaid, I get WIC, we had food stamps, but I've never taken straight up financial aid. I used to look down on these people, and I'm kind of getting the drift that some people close to me feel the same way about me. I know there are people that take advantage of the system, but I am absolutely not one of them. I'd gladly give all these up for my husband to have a semi-decent job. As it is, that is not the situation, we both work, part time because he can't get a full time job and I still have children I want to care for. My husband is also in school. We are poor, do I wish we weren't, absolutely. Here's the thing, I think people see me talking about it and I think I come off a little too happy about the help, like maybe I am taking advantage of it. Well I guess you are right, I'm taking help, it's humbling, I wish we didn't need it, I wish we could get decent jobs, and I wish we could actually make some of our own choices. Here's what happens, yes I wasn't paying for groceries. We take home 2k-ish a month, we make a house payment, half of that is gone, but hey we didn't forclose and screw the bank over for 150k. We pay for electricity, phones, gas, city bill, car repairs, gasoline to go to work (I've put almost 2k on a credit card for gasoline alone), medical that medicaid doesn't cover, dental, food, small payments from debt involved with school and loss of job. If I didn't take the help I'd be in debt for a lot more than that, and you know what sucks more than being poor, being poor and believing I'll never get out of that hole. That's why I take the help, I need to feed my family, the doctor is a necessity. Do I seem happy about it, probably, because I'm so incredibly grateful that something in my life is being taken care of and not financially taking me down that hole even more. Sorry if I offend you by being appreciative.

Now count down till the end of the year. I spent all day at the hospital with my family. My dad had surgery yesterday and it seemed to go fine. This morning when my mom tried to wake him up, all was not fine, he would not wake up. He is doing much better now, but he's in the ICU and under constant monitoring because if he falls asleep his O2 levels drop and that's when he goes unconscious. So yeah this combined with the rest of the crap I've already written about, I'm so ready for this year to be over, bring on my baby, my lack of job and hubby's graduation in 2013 and I'll be a happy camper.

So here's the thing, if you are reading this, please reserve judgment, I know I'm a mess.

I've been having a hard time lately. Like a really hard time. My job pretty much makes me miserable and I literally can't wait for the day that I can quit. I dread every Monday morning and it's all I can do to survive Sunday nights. I'm almost embarrassed to say I think I've had a blessing every Sunday for the past month (at least) just to be able to survive the next 3 days. That said I've also felt like God has been picking on me and my little family.

We are pregnant, and I'm still just thrilled about that, but that seems to be the only thing going my way these days, and that was after we spent thousands of dollars that I really didn't have to spend. Tyson's tuition has been up in the air for over a month because he was approved for a pell grant last March only for them to change all the freaking requirements over the summer, we think we finally have that figured out (crosses fingers).

Tyson was out of work for 4 months at the beginning of this year and we've both been working to just survive and we've still gone into debt every month just paying for the gasoline to get to work to try and keep our home and take care of our family.

Then Ty's car broke down and it's pretty much unrepairable. We've been borrowing a car for month from my in-laws, then my car decided it's possessed and it honks randomly at people and my locks go off, we can't drive it at night because we don't have headlights, and we've been trying for a month to get the part (this started as soon as we got our notice to reregister, we had to pay for that, but it's still not registered because it won't pass safeties).

At our last doctor's appointment they couldn't find the heartbeat and I had a 20 minute one sided arguement with God telling him that if he took this baby I was done. Thankfully they pulled in an ultrasound and baby is fine, but I feel like I keep having this arguement. "God I can't handle anymore" and his response seemed to be repeatedly "You wanna bet?" and then he puts me through some other type of hell.

I can't even keep track of the amount of prayers I'm saying a day and the only response I seem to get is that you have keep going and my ways are not your ways. I find this insanely frustrating, I apparently have this insane desire to know why. According to Tyson I've spent more time crying the past few weeks than I did in my whole last pregnancy, and I'm NOT a crier! Aren't I doing what I'm supposed to. I'm paying my tithing, I paying more in fast offerings than I actually spend on food, and I'm pregnant it's not like I can even fast. I'm going the temple at least every other week. I'm praying, reading my scriptures, we are doing it as a family and a couple. What more are we supposed to do. Tyson is constantly looking for another job or a better job. He doesn't want me working almost as much as I don't want to be. I miss my babies, I hate that they are just fine with me dropping them off and basically disappearing for 3 days, sometimes more. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and if something doesn't pay off soon I really my lose my mind if not a few other things. (It doesn't help that my boss is back to work tomorrow from her vacation). I keep seeing this "joke" on pinterest that says "I don't know about you, but I've wanted to run away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid." The problem is, I still have these stupid broken cars, so not a whole lot of transportation to pull that off with. Things have to get better right?

3 Years!

We had our 3rd anniversary on the 14th and I got the day off of work so we could spend it together. We went to the temple and did sealings which we did on our first anniversary and around our second (we were out of town and no where near a temple so we went when we came back). I love doing sealings, it's like getting to renew our vows on a pretty frequent basis and I just love listening to the blessings. We also went out to dinner (courtesy of my in-laws) to Texas Road House while my parents watched the boys, then we went to Trafalga and went mini-golfing. It's very reminisent of one of our early dates and the first time I kissed my hubby in public. It was just fun thinking how vastly full the last 3 years of our life have been. We bought a house, had twins, renovated the house, took a trip back east, and now we are expecting baby number 3, and if all goes as planned just after this baby gets here my hubby will finally graduate!

In other news I'm very proud to report my children have actually getting better in church, it's still a struggle and there are definitely still goldfish, coloring books, cowboys and indians, ripped up bread, etc. involved, but it is getting better. On the downside my children have learned what a temper tantrum is and I don't appreciate it one bit. I really don't give them much mind when they do, just tell them to get up and move on. I'm hoping if I don't focus on it too much they won't think it gets them much and they'll stop.

Oh and tomorrow I'm thinking we are going to get to hear our babies heartbeat, I'm so excited!

Open letter to my ward:

I pray everyday for my children to behave better, to sit still at church, to just let them be occupied enough to avoid those tempting church aisles. I have no desire to let my kids run up and down the aisles, and I'm constantly embarrassed by it. Everytime Jameson runs to the front door and wants to play in the curtains my heart drops just a little and I hang my head in shame. I'm sincerely sorry if it is causing you problems with your children wondering why mine are behaving as they are. My options however are, let them run and have them be quiet so that you, others, and myself can hear; try to hold them in my lap and let them scream bloody murder; take them in the hall and have them scream bloody murder where I in turn get nothing out of being there and they possibly disrupt other classes; or just not bother to come in the first place because believe me that would be easier especially considering nap time is right in the middle of sacrament meeting. I know a few people that choose that last option and just don't come when it's nap time or when there is only one parent as is frequently my situation. I personally think it's better for me to be there, I think it sets a good example for my children that even though it's not easy and there are some places we'd sometimes rather be, that I come to church every week regardless because I know that's where we should be. I know there are people that do it better than I do. I frequently look at them whistfully and wonder why my kids can't just sit down at church. They do very well when we read scriptures every night and say our prayers, but sacrament meeting is hard for them. They do wonderfully in nursery during lesson and singing time, (I know because I worry and check up on them frequently). This is not an easy situation for me. I'm trying the best I can, which these days with how I've been feeling, is exponentially harder. Everyone wants to tell me what I am doing wrong and how to change their behavior and while it might have worked for them that does not mean it will do anything for me. Twins are hard, they feed off each other and if there was only one you can bet I'd be strapping that child down, but the 2 of them have me beat when my husband can't be there and they know it. I try desperately to keep them in our row, especially till the sacrament is over, I try to hold off snacks and small toys till then too and then try everything I can think of to keep them in the row, still I frequently end up wandering the halls wondering why I'm even bothering. I'm doing everything I possibly can to help them behave. I hope you notice the behavior is different when there are two of us there. I'm trying and that's the best I can do right now. I can't reason with them, they don't understand me well enough yet and I them. Some kids you can just tell to do something and work on it and that works. Not mine, they have a need to understand why. I'm really not a softy when it comes to discipline, but really there is only so much I can do to get a 2 year old to understand. It will happen in time, one day they will sit still for 30 minutes, then an hour, and more. For now my goal is surviving. If you would like me to go somewhere else let me know and we'll go try and find somewhere else where we fit in better.

Update, I suck and post tites...

I'm about eight and a half weeks in and I'm really thinking this pregnancy is vastly different from the last one. I'm not nearly as sick as I was last time. I still get decently nauseous, but no vomit yet, thank heavens. I have my first appointment on the 20th and then another one on the 30th with my actual OB. I'm kind of sad because I know I'm not getting nearly as many ultrasounds as I did last time. It probably seems odd that I was happy to be at the hospital every other week, but it was fun seeing my babies and I really felt like I knew who they were. This time it's going to be very different, starting with way less appointments. I'm still plenty nervous though. It was all my insane monitoring last time that caught my preeclampsia and I'm not going to have that this time (I think, I guess I'll know for sure in a couple of weeks) I just really want everything to go smoothly and more than anything get a happy, healthy baby out of this (and if I could quit my job anytime soon that would really be nice too).

Tyson starts school for the "last" time this month and he's looking for a second job, he really wants me to stop working too. It's a good thing, but I'm really afraid of never seeing him. I used to be a really independent person, but if there is one thing I've learned while he's been at scout camp this week is that I'm no longer that person, and I'm okay with that. Man I really like having him around, if I knew what he was going to be like as a husband and father he would have had to beat me off with a stick, I'm just glad he was really determined.

Anyways thats the gist, life is really busy and we are about to have out 3rd anniversary, 3 kids in 3.5 years, yeah we maybe nuts, but we love it!

My babies are 2! and other news

I can't believe my tiny little babies are now 2 years old. We had a checkup this week and the doctor actual said developmently they are ahead of schedule and other than the fact that they are a little small you would never know they are preemies. Jackson actually reached the 5% in weight and 4% in height and Jameson finally hit the weight charts at 3%, though height was only 1%, but hey, my little men are a growing!

We had their birthday party today and it was a whole "Take me out to the ball game" theme with hotdogs, nachos, peanuts, homemade cracker jacks, homemade rootbeer, etc. We had so much fun and my boys now have a million balls (baseballs, footballs, soccer balls, beach balls etc.) we also got them a t-ball set and they haven't stopped playing with it. It was so much fun to have family come over and celebrate with us.

Speaking of celebrating, our "other news" is that I am pregnant! Only 6.5 weeks, but I just can't keep a secret (at least not one I'm this excited about, I can't believe I kept it for 2 weeks as it is!).  I'm due March 14th and we've had an ultrasound (this baby is all heart,). This time we only have one, but I'm happy, I was a little disappointed at first, but in the long run I think it will be better for us. My back is messed up and twin pregnancies take a lot out of you. I also think it will be easier for the boys to adjust to 1 rather than 2. I'm counting the days till Tyson can fully support our family and I can quit my job. I don't totally hate it, but I'm kind of sick of cooking for 80 and then not having the energy to feed my boys anything but poptarts for dinner (that haven't even been heated, don't judge me!). I love being a mom, it's my favorite job and I can't wait to do it full time again.

I think that's all for now, good luck to all those out there trying, miracles do happen!

Next up...

So we decided we aren't going to do the IUI again, at least for a month or two, we can't really afford it  anyways. In the meantime we are going to continue trying with just the meds and hope maybe something happens in the next month or two, if not maybe we will be able to save up some money to try something else.

On a more silly note, I have entered my boys in the baby contest for Summerfest, and though I shouldn't have, I totally bought them adorable new outfits. I figure we can use them this once and then they can be birthday presents. Yes, I really do have to rationalize pretty much everything I do, especially if it involves money. Anyways, I got the letter with the stuff they are doing and there is a twins/siblings category, and they are identical blue eyed adorable little boys, so I figured maybe that would give us a leg up. I don't really care if we win anything, but it would be way cool if they did and I'd be covered with birthday presents for next month, and that would be really great. Also they give you a picture, and my boys really need new pictures. My photographer went and moved to Vegas a while back and I can't bring myself to find a new right now. (I miss you Megan!) Anyways, wish us luck! (I say that a lot these days, don't I?)

So...

We are not pregnant, and I don't know what we are going to do now. I think we are gonna try for the temple tomorrow. I'm in desperate need of some guidance, because logic, desire, and the guidance I've thought I've gotten don't seem to be doing much for me these days.

Good News!

I went to the doctor today for one last ultrasound praying that everything would be ok so we can go ahead with the IUI tomorrow, and for once everything is perfect. I actually have a good uterine lining and 2 eggs ready to go and I was so excited that I didn't have to pay for more meds this time. So I got shot up and we'll be headed in tomorrow for the procedure. I'm praying it works this time. I don't have enough money to try this again anytime soon. We can use all the prayers we can get! Wish us luck!

Finally got some good news!

So today was filled with more tests for me and my husband this time, and for once we both got good results. They did a sperm count on the hubby and his numbers were much more than good they were fantastic, like almost twice as good as they hoped they would be. Then came my tests, they were doing a hystogram, one of the few tests I haven't had run before. This consists of having saline run up through ones uterus and fallopian tubes while doing an ultrasound. This is done to check for polyps, fibroids, and blocked tubes. As per usual I totally expected something bad to show up, and I was pleasantly surprised when I was informed I had neither fibroids or polyps and apparently my fallopian tubes are amazingly clear, they seemed surprised at how fast the saline went right through me. Also he thinks we are going to get 2 eggs out of this cycle, with a slight possibility of 3, but my uterine lining is also looking good and that is totally a first! I go back for another ultrasound Tuesday and hopefully a nice big shot of HCG followed by an IUI either Wednesday or Thursday. I'm praying it works this time because we do not have the money to try this again anytime soon unless I want to start running up a few more credit card bills and I'd really like to avoid that. Wish us luck!

Ouch!

So first off, I chopped of the tip of my finger (lucky me!) thankfully no bone, they couldn't sew it back on, but it seems to be healing do that's good. Now on to the baby stuff. I went to the doctor on day 38. This time I actually had quite a thick uterine lining, but a negative pregnancy test. So he put me on progesterone to try and bring my period on, I'm on day 6 of that and still no period. I'm debating another pregnancy test. Anyways, if I ever do get this dang period then we are starting the Femara again and making another go around of the IUI. In the meantime I'm playing with my little stinker that refuses to go to sleep. He's just too darn cute and I can't seem to put him back down.

Here we go again...

I have a doctors appointment scheduled for a week from Thursday. We are going to try the IUI again (unless the doc suggests something different I guess). I'm just praying it works. I'm terrified of having to go the IVF route, not because it's really not fun (which it isn't), but mostly because we are no where near in the financial situation to be able to afford that. Also, I'm trying to prepare myself for the hormonal ups and downs, not so excited about that. Wish us luck. I'll let you know.

Update

Due to our doctor being out of town (on a well deserved vacation) we will be putting off the baby stuff till May. It's actually kind of nice because I just don't have to worry about it right now. I'm also working quite a bit more the later half of this month, so it will be good to not have the stress of the constant doctor's visits as well, not to mention the costs.

My good news is that for the first time in almost 5 months we are going to be able to make our house payment without having to dig into savings/baby money (which there really isn't much of, but we are trying), it will all come from Tyson's and mine new jobs, it sounds like a small thing, but it's huge to us. We really don't like needing help and being dependent on others, I think that has been the hardest part of lack of income. We still aren't making enough to really be on our feet, but we are getting there and I'm so excited about that. I seriously can't wait till we are self-sufficient again. I can't say how much we have appreciated the help we have received and I can't wait till we can pay back those that have helped us.

General Conference

After we found out we really weren't pregnant I asked Tyson for a blessing. It just felt like everything was falling apart in my life. I wasn't pregnant, my back is falling to pieces, Tyson's car just keeps breaking down, he's hardly getting any hours at work. Everything was just piling up. The blessing talked about about paying special attention to conference, that there would be something for me in every talk, some more than others, so I was trying very hard to pay special attention today, then came Elder Holland's talk, and I cried through the whole thing. First with the parable of the workers and their equal pay, and then when he talked about envy. I'm fairly sure envy is my greatest sin. It's been so hard for me to see all of my siblings dreams coming true, and so many pregnant friends. Everytime someone brings one of these things up I just want to cry, its not that I don't wish them well, but I'm sad for us. I keep getting told to be grateful for those things that I do have. I actually hate when people say this, because it's like they are saying I'm not, and I'm so incredibly grateful, I just don't feel complete. I know there are people that are supposed to be in my family and they aren't here yet and I don't really imagine being content until they are, in the meantime, its just so hard waiting for them. Anyways, the gist is I'm going to try harder to not be envious. I don't deserve to hurt everytime someone has something good happen. Some day things will balance out and we will get our full pay. I feel so much for those in that parable that wanted to be working and then just not getting this job or that job. It's been our lives for months now. We finally have jobs, but they don't cover the bills. I'm just trying to have faith that things will work out. I'm praying for it everyday and every night. For those children that I know are supposed to be part of our family. For jobs that will be able to support the family that we have as well as the one we want. For things to just be a little bit better, and for me to not want to cry everytime someone tells me they are pregnant or a family member talks about how much money they are spending just for the heck of it and how hard it is for them. It will get better, it has to.

Officially Not Pregnant.

That's kind of the gist of it. I'm sad, and a little terrified of becoming my friend. It's not uncommon for it to not work the first time, but it's plenty frustrating. I just feel like there is this long road of IVF in front of me that I really can't afford, at all. I'm not sure we are even able to afford doing the IUI again at this point. I can't decide if my husband is overly optimistic or naive, he's just so darn positive that this morning he was driving me bananas. I love that he is so supportive, but I just feel like my body has failed both of us. It's not the first time and certainly won't be the last, and I feel guilty about it. I also found out another friend is pregnant. This bring the count to like 3 within the last couple weeks and I don't know how many total (it's a lot). I'm happy for them, just sad for me, and a little jealous.

I have work today and hopefully that will be a decent distraction and we are going to go to the temple tomorrow. I really need some answers because I feel like I've just been wrong about everything in my life lately. Not to mention General Conference is this weekend and really, I'm kind of addicted. It's been hard only making it every other week, but I feel its really important that I spend time with my kids. Now that I'm working and not around as often I feel guilty about not spending enough time with them, so for now every other week will have to do it. Well, better go take care of the great kids I do have.

Ready for this week to be over

So I already told you about the work thing, and thankfully I think that is going to work out fine, but I'm still kicking myself over my stupid mistake. Then there was the back thing, which I'm having to see a specialist for, once I get all my info to take to him.

I survived Tuesday thanks to my twin mommy group, and then on Friday we went up to Ogden for an overnighter with them. These really were my only 2 good events during the week. On my way to meet up with my carpool my husband called to tell me that the brakes had gone out on his car. My wonderful in-laws paid to get them fix, all 500 bucks worth (so I guess that was good too), but as soon as I got home yesterday, Tyson had to run an errand, and his car was rattling so bad and was completely out of oil, so it got towed today. I hate this car so dang bad. Also, my husband had 3 scheduled shifts at work and that got cut down to 2, and that's not so good when we need every cent. On the plus side, he is able to donate plasma again, yes we are so pathetic that this is a good thing! :)

Lastly I've had 2 negative pregnancy tests (well really 4, but the other 2 I took way too early). I've decided to give it till Wednesday and if nothing has happened either way I'll pay for the blood test. I just don't want to pay for another test (especially if I'm gonna be spending more money than I have to try this again next month) if I'm not at least a couple days late. I'm also a bit of a scaredy cat.  After I took the first test when I was pregnant with the boys and it was positive I was too afraid to take the second and have it say something different. Also, when I found out I was pregnant with the boys I was practically 8 weeks, so I don't know if these tests are sensitive enough for me this early, or if it really is negative. I guess we'll find out this week.

This week in church we were discussing counting our blessings, or something of the sort, I really needed it after this week and I'm just praying that next week is better. I'm trying to remember the good things, and hug and love on my wonderful little boys that I do have and be grateful that I have a husband who supports me 100%. It's just so hard when you know there is more, and waiting really sucks!

Life!

So the new job has majorly mellowed out and it's a piece of cake, other than my inability to remember to turn off the steam table (which I'm praying doesn't get me fired, it's happened twice now). The first time it was fine, apparently last night though food got burned into it and that I really don't understand, considering it gets "cleaned" every night by the students. You'd think if they noticed the heat they'd hit the shut off button because it would have to be stinking hot to clean, but then you'd think I could remember to do it too. (I'm kind of thinking it's the hormones I've been on that are making me so spacey and I'll get better) I personally think this would be a stupid thing to lose my job over, on my part and the boss', but we'll see. Pray that doesn't happen, I really need this job. Anyways, I'm off till next week and I've got a get away planned tomorrow with a bunch of twin mommies. I'm so excited and I'm making dinner there, I'm much more looking forward to that!

Tuesday was not such a good day. I got the results of my MRI on my back read to me over the phone. It led to a bit of a breakdown and I left work early. (So you see between these 2 incidents I'm kinda freaking out). Apparently I have mild spinal stenosis, arthropathy, premature deterioration of L4 and L5, and buldging discs or something of the like. Apparently my back is about 20 years older than I am and I have to go see a specialist. Not looking forward to that. Really hoping I'm pregnant so then I can just avoid it for like the next 9 months. I know that's not the mature thing, but I'm also afraid the doc is going to tell me I should never get pregnant again and that terrifies me. I did have a MOM's night out Tuesday though and that was good. I love to get together with those ladies they make me feel so much better and are so good at distracting me.

New Job and other odds and ends

So I started my new job yesterday and it was insane. At BYU I worked with a bunch of people and I had pretty much every new kitchen toy you can think of, also I never had to peel anything and rarely had to dice either and yesterday I spent way too much time peeling and dicing potatoes and it was only for 65 people! Today was much better, I had a better handle on thing and there were no potatoes! Tomorrow I will be taking my own peeler with me. About half-way through the day I really didn't want to keep working, then came dinner, and the compliments, and rants and raving, and I remembered why I love to cook. The sense of pride I get when someone really enjoys what I put so much work into is just amazing. Those kids are so appreciative, much more so than my 20 month old boys who just want to eat oatmeal and pop-tarts. :) (Don't worry, I still love them more). Oh, and the best part, other than being totally out of shape for this and sore, my back hasn't bothered me hardly at all! Yay!

So the other thing that's been going on. We had the ultrasound on Sunday and I had 2 eggs, good sized and ready to go. So, I got shot up for the 4th time in 6 days (which doesn't even compare to when I'm actually pregnant, but still, that's a lot of needles!) this time with HCG. It does NOT give you same fuzzy euphoria that morphine does, it does however tell your body to release those little eggs so hopefully some sperm can find it, fertilize it, and grow it into a baby. Sorry if that's overly graphic, I just think of it as clinical. Anyways, we had planned on going it the "old-fashioned way" but instead decided to do the IUI (intra-uterine insemination) it gives us the best shot short of IVF, and I really hope it works. I guess we'll know in a few weeks, though I can't say I'll share info that fast. I'm a little paranoid and I know I have a chance of miscarriage, we'll just have to see.

Clomid is the anti-baby drug

Well the Femara did wonders...sort of, my eggs look much better than they did Tuesday, so we are staying on that, but still very little uterine lining. Another day another drug, so today I got estrogen, $130 worth, and it's not that much :( Oh well. I go back for another ultrasound on Sunday and hopefully my uterus and my ovaries can get on the same page. What a wonderful change that would be! Anyways, apparently Clomid supresses something that is supposed to make your body in turn make more estrogen, that is not how it works for me. So no more of that. I am happy because I feel like we are making some progress. My once semi-monotonous life is no more.

I also went and picked up the massive amount of paperwork I have to fill out for my new job, I start that on Monday, and yes my back is still killing me. I'm getting and MRI on it today, hopefully they find something wrong because I think 2 months is just way too long to be in this kind of pain. I actually ended up in the emergency room on Tuesday, I kinda wanted to die. They, in response loaded me up with lots and lots of morphine. It was great, other than it felt like I instantly gained 50 lbs all over my body, but it definitely took the edge off. Anyways they scheduled me for an MRI and we do that this afternoon. Yes I am officially nuts, I'm trying to get pregnant, start a new job, and my back is falling to pieces. Wish me luck!

Good News, Bad News

So I was offered the job and I accepted it today. This is me showing a huge amount of faith, because my back has been worse in the past few days than it has been in a long time. I went to stake conference yesterday and literally laid flat on the floor in the nursery the whole time. (Tyson had work so I was on my own with the boys, I figured they'd do better if they could run around). At least I was there and trying to listen, right? Anyways, I was given a blessing Saturday that basically told me this job was put here for me and that my back would allow me to do it. So I'm going to try and do it and leave the rest up to Heavenly Father. I am calling the job the good news. It will definitely help us pay off some stuff and if we really end up needing to do IUI or IVF at least we will have some money to do that with.

Now for the bad news. I went in for an ultrasound today for a follicle study (we were trying to see how my body responded to the Clomid, and if eggs were developing). My uterine lining was not as thick as it should be and my eggs/follicles were underdeveloped. My thought was well that's better than the last time I was trying to get pregnant. I went for an ultrasound then and he told me I had NO uterine lining, I reminded him he told me that and I was pregnant 2 weeks later, he told me that's what we refer to as immaculate conception. Anyway the plus is that my lining and my eggs are actually somewhat timed together, so we still have a chance to try something more this month and in that spirit, I start Femara tonight and go back Thursday for another ultrasound. Here's hoping I react better to this than the Clomid which he said really didn't do anything. So here's to Thursday!

So Excited!

Tyson had an interview last week for a job to be an assistant manager at Famous Footwear. We got a call this morning that he got the job and would actually be making more than we had orginally thought! He starts next week and I'm finally feeling like there is a light at the end of this tunnel that is more than just the train.

I also have a job interview tomorrow. I'm not totally thrilled about it. It's part time in a kitchen (which is definitely what I prefer, and it's actually a set schedule which is so hard to find in my industry) however, with the back problems I've been having the past few months (not to mention the trying for another baby) I'm not even sure I could do it. Plus the idea of leaving my babies 3 days a week just makes me want to cry. Thankfully now that Tyson has a job a large chunk of pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. So I'll go to the interview and see what it is, and if they offer me the job we will take it to the Lord, because he's constantly me proving me wrong when it comes to what I think I can handle. Now I'm just praying that all goes well with the ultrasound on Monday, so we can do something about this baby thing :)

Way too much going on

Our lives are not our own. That's the one thing I think I've learned in the past 3 months. I used to make plans, but I think I've decided to give that up. That's not saying I don't have and won't continue to have hopes and dreams, just that I've decided I really don't have a say in much of anything when it comes to my life.

My husband was laid off 3 months ago and hasn't been able to find work since (we are hopeful maybe something will happen this week). Thankfully we had some savings and then came our tax refund, literally the same week we ran out of those. I chalk that up 100% to paying out tithing even though it logically it didn't seem practical, but it's been one thing I've been blessed for doing time and time again, so I'd have to be a fool to stop now. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and it won't be the last, but these many experiences are some of the biggest faith building experiences I've ever had.

I can't say that the last 3 months have really been easy or fun in a lot of ways. One of my brother's is building his dream house and we are doing everything we can to hold on to our little home. In the midst of this comes the other insanity that we have been trying to add to our family. (I know it seems insane, but I know it is absolutely what we are supposed to be doing.) We decided we'd give it 2 months before seeking out help because we already know I have fertility issues and our twins really never should have happened, at least not the way they did. Well 2 months have come and gone, and no baby yet. We started Clomid this last week, after running a ton of tests, they also decided to up my metformin and started me on armour thyroid hormone, because those were out of wack too. Next week we go for an ultrasound to see how my body is handling the Clomid. I'm just praying something goes right.

The other blow we had recently was finding out Tyson is actually 16 credits shy of graduating this year because his counselor messed up, so we have another 2 semesters to go. On the plus side, we were able to qualify for one last pell grant, so at least it's paid for. If we manage the baby thing it wouldn't be so bad because it'd give us a little extra money, and we can split it up so its only 10 credits in the fall and 6 in the spring, so hopefully if we get that little bundle of joy he should be around a little too help, and it's a lot easier to work a job around less school hours. I know I sound like I'm trying to convince myself and I am. I was just so ready for it to be done.

Lastly my good news. This week Jackson finally (he's 19.5 months) took his first steps, and after everything that he's had to overcome to do that, I'm so incredibly proud. I really am positive, I promise, its just hard to convey that tone when there is a bunch of crappy stuff to tell as well. I think I'm a bit resigned. Things have to get better at some point and I have to believe that if we are supposed to add to this family the Lord with provide a way for us to care for it. He always has before so who am I to doubt now. The best thing that has come out of Tyson not working is a newfound love of Temple work and family history. We've gone almost every week since his lost his job and sometimes more than that. I think if we have to go back to once a month I won't be able to handle it. I am so grateful for the good things in my life, I have amazing children who I love so much and an incredibly supportive and loving husband who I know would do anything for me. Things will get better, and someday I'll look back on this and know why, but for now I'm just trying to make it through, and we will.