The Peterson Family

The Peterson Family

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

So here's the thing, if you are reading this, please reserve judgment, I know I'm a mess.

I've been having a hard time lately. Like a really hard time. My job pretty much makes me miserable and I literally can't wait for the day that I can quit. I dread every Monday morning and it's all I can do to survive Sunday nights. I'm almost embarrassed to say I think I've had a blessing every Sunday for the past month (at least) just to be able to survive the next 3 days. That said I've also felt like God has been picking on me and my little family.

We are pregnant, and I'm still just thrilled about that, but that seems to be the only thing going my way these days, and that was after we spent thousands of dollars that I really didn't have to spend. Tyson's tuition has been up in the air for over a month because he was approved for a pell grant last March only for them to change all the freaking requirements over the summer, we think we finally have that figured out (crosses fingers).

Tyson was out of work for 4 months at the beginning of this year and we've both been working to just survive and we've still gone into debt every month just paying for the gasoline to get to work to try and keep our home and take care of our family.

Then Ty's car broke down and it's pretty much unrepairable. We've been borrowing a car for month from my in-laws, then my car decided it's possessed and it honks randomly at people and my locks go off, we can't drive it at night because we don't have headlights, and we've been trying for a month to get the part (this started as soon as we got our notice to reregister, we had to pay for that, but it's still not registered because it won't pass safeties).

At our last doctor's appointment they couldn't find the heartbeat and I had a 20 minute one sided arguement with God telling him that if he took this baby I was done. Thankfully they pulled in an ultrasound and baby is fine, but I feel like I keep having this arguement. "God I can't handle anymore" and his response seemed to be repeatedly "You wanna bet?" and then he puts me through some other type of hell.

I can't even keep track of the amount of prayers I'm saying a day and the only response I seem to get is that you have keep going and my ways are not your ways. I find this insanely frustrating, I apparently have this insane desire to know why. According to Tyson I've spent more time crying the past few weeks than I did in my whole last pregnancy, and I'm NOT a crier! Aren't I doing what I'm supposed to. I'm paying my tithing, I paying more in fast offerings than I actually spend on food, and I'm pregnant it's not like I can even fast. I'm going the temple at least every other week. I'm praying, reading my scriptures, we are doing it as a family and a couple. What more are we supposed to do. Tyson is constantly looking for another job or a better job. He doesn't want me working almost as much as I don't want to be. I miss my babies, I hate that they are just fine with me dropping them off and basically disappearing for 3 days, sometimes more. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and if something doesn't pay off soon I really my lose my mind if not a few other things. (It doesn't help that my boss is back to work tomorrow from her vacation). I keep seeing this "joke" on pinterest that says "I don't know about you, but I've wanted to run away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid." The problem is, I still have these stupid broken cars, so not a whole lot of transportation to pull that off with. Things have to get better right?

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