Our lives are not our own. That's the one thing I think I've learned in the past 3 months. I used to make plans, but I think I've decided to give that up. That's not saying I don't have and won't continue to have hopes and dreams, just that I've decided I really don't have a say in much of anything when it comes to my life.
My husband was laid off 3 months ago and hasn't been able to find work since (we are hopeful maybe something will happen this week). Thankfully we had some savings and then came our tax refund, literally the same week we ran out of those. I chalk that up 100% to paying out tithing even though it logically it didn't seem practical, but it's been one thing I've been blessed for doing time and time again, so I'd have to be a fool to stop now. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and it won't be the last, but these many experiences are some of the biggest faith building experiences I've ever had.
I can't say that the last 3 months have really been easy or fun in a lot of ways. One of my brother's is building his dream house and we are doing everything we can to hold on to our little home. In the midst of this comes the other insanity that we have been trying to add to our family. (I know it seems insane, but I know it is absolutely what we are supposed to be doing.) We decided we'd give it 2 months before seeking out help because we already know I have fertility issues and our twins really never should have happened, at least not the way they did. Well 2 months have come and gone, and no baby yet. We started Clomid this last week, after running a ton of tests, they also decided to up my metformin and started me on armour thyroid hormone, because those were out of wack too. Next week we go for an ultrasound to see how my body is handling the Clomid. I'm just praying something goes right.
The other blow we had recently was finding out Tyson is actually 16 credits shy of graduating this year because his counselor messed up, so we have another 2 semesters to go. On the plus side, we were able to qualify for one last pell grant, so at least it's paid for. If we manage the baby thing it wouldn't be so bad because it'd give us a little extra money, and we can split it up so its only 10 credits in the fall and 6 in the spring, so hopefully if we get that little bundle of joy he should be around a little too help, and it's a lot easier to work a job around less school hours. I know I sound like I'm trying to convince myself and I am. I was just so ready for it to be done.
Lastly my good news. This week Jackson finally (he's 19.5 months) took his first steps, and after everything that he's had to overcome to do that, I'm so incredibly proud. I really am positive, I promise, its just hard to convey that tone when there is a bunch of crappy stuff to tell as well. I think I'm a bit resigned. Things have to get better at some point and I have to believe that if we are supposed to add to this family the Lord with provide a way for us to care for it. He always has before so who am I to doubt now. The best thing that has come out of Tyson not working is a newfound love of Temple work and family history. We've gone almost every week since his lost his job and sometimes more than that. I think if we have to go back to once a month I won't be able to handle it. I am so grateful for the good things in my life, I have amazing children who I love so much and an incredibly supportive and loving husband who I know would do anything for me. Things will get better, and someday I'll look back on this and know why, but for now I'm just trying to make it through, and we will.
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