General Conference

After we found out we really weren't pregnant I asked Tyson for a blessing. It just felt like everything was falling apart in my life. I wasn't pregnant, my back is falling to pieces, Tyson's car just keeps breaking down, he's hardly getting any hours at work. Everything was just piling up. The blessing talked about about paying special attention to conference, that there would be something for me in every talk, some more than others, so I was trying very hard to pay special attention today, then came Elder Holland's talk, and I cried through the whole thing. First with the parable of the workers and their equal pay, and then when he talked about envy. I'm fairly sure envy is my greatest sin. It's been so hard for me to see all of my siblings dreams coming true, and so many pregnant friends. Everytime someone brings one of these things up I just want to cry, its not that I don't wish them well, but I'm sad for us. I keep getting told to be grateful for those things that I do have. I actually hate when people say this, because it's like they are saying I'm not, and I'm so incredibly grateful, I just don't feel complete. I know there are people that are supposed to be in my family and they aren't here yet and I don't really imagine being content until they are, in the meantime, its just so hard waiting for them. Anyways, the gist is I'm going to try harder to not be envious. I don't deserve to hurt everytime someone has something good happen. Some day things will balance out and we will get our full pay. I feel so much for those in that parable that wanted to be working and then just not getting this job or that job. It's been our lives for months now. We finally have jobs, but they don't cover the bills. I'm just trying to have faith that things will work out. I'm praying for it everyday and every night. For those children that I know are supposed to be part of our family. For jobs that will be able to support the family that we have as well as the one we want. For things to just be a little bit better, and for me to not want to cry everytime someone tells me they are pregnant or a family member talks about how much money they are spending just for the heck of it and how hard it is for them. It will get better, it has to.