The Peterson Family

The Peterson Family

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Semi rant and ready for 2012 to be over

Here's the rant, sorta... So I'm on medicaid, I get WIC, we had food stamps, but I've never taken straight up financial aid. I used to look down on these people, and I'm kind of getting the drift that some people close to me feel the same way about me. I know there are people that take advantage of the system, but I am absolutely not one of them. I'd gladly give all these up for my husband to have a semi-decent job. As it is, that is not the situation, we both work, part time because he can't get a full time job and I still have children I want to care for. My husband is also in school. We are poor, do I wish we weren't, absolutely. Here's the thing, I think people see me talking about it and I think I come off a little too happy about the help, like maybe I am taking advantage of it. Well I guess you are right, I'm taking help, it's humbling, I wish we didn't need it, I wish we could get decent jobs, and I wish we could actually make some of our own choices. Here's what happens, yes I wasn't paying for groceries. We take home 2k-ish a month, we make a house payment, half of that is gone, but hey we didn't forclose and screw the bank over for 150k. We pay for electricity, phones, gas, city bill, car repairs, gasoline to go to work (I've put almost 2k on a credit card for gasoline alone), medical that medicaid doesn't cover, dental, food, small payments from debt involved with school and loss of job. If I didn't take the help I'd be in debt for a lot more than that, and you know what sucks more than being poor, being poor and believing I'll never get out of that hole. That's why I take the help, I need to feed my family, the doctor is a necessity. Do I seem happy about it, probably, because I'm so incredibly grateful that something in my life is being taken care of and not financially taking me down that hole even more. Sorry if I offend you by being appreciative.

Now count down till the end of the year. I spent all day at the hospital with my family. My dad had surgery yesterday and it seemed to go fine. This morning when my mom tried to wake him up, all was not fine, he would not wake up. He is doing much better now, but he's in the ICU and under constant monitoring because if he falls asleep his O2 levels drop and that's when he goes unconscious. So yeah this combined with the rest of the crap I've already written about, I'm so ready for this year to be over, bring on my baby, my lack of job and hubby's graduation in 2013 and I'll be a happy camper.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

So here's the thing, if you are reading this, please reserve judgment, I know I'm a mess.

I've been having a hard time lately. Like a really hard time. My job pretty much makes me miserable and I literally can't wait for the day that I can quit. I dread every Monday morning and it's all I can do to survive Sunday nights. I'm almost embarrassed to say I think I've had a blessing every Sunday for the past month (at least) just to be able to survive the next 3 days. That said I've also felt like God has been picking on me and my little family.

We are pregnant, and I'm still just thrilled about that, but that seems to be the only thing going my way these days, and that was after we spent thousands of dollars that I really didn't have to spend. Tyson's tuition has been up in the air for over a month because he was approved for a pell grant last March only for them to change all the freaking requirements over the summer, we think we finally have that figured out (crosses fingers).

Tyson was out of work for 4 months at the beginning of this year and we've both been working to just survive and we've still gone into debt every month just paying for the gasoline to get to work to try and keep our home and take care of our family.

Then Ty's car broke down and it's pretty much unrepairable. We've been borrowing a car for month from my in-laws, then my car decided it's possessed and it honks randomly at people and my locks go off, we can't drive it at night because we don't have headlights, and we've been trying for a month to get the part (this started as soon as we got our notice to reregister, we had to pay for that, but it's still not registered because it won't pass safeties).

At our last doctor's appointment they couldn't find the heartbeat and I had a 20 minute one sided arguement with God telling him that if he took this baby I was done. Thankfully they pulled in an ultrasound and baby is fine, but I feel like I keep having this arguement. "God I can't handle anymore" and his response seemed to be repeatedly "You wanna bet?" and then he puts me through some other type of hell.

I can't even keep track of the amount of prayers I'm saying a day and the only response I seem to get is that you have keep going and my ways are not your ways. I find this insanely frustrating, I apparently have this insane desire to know why. According to Tyson I've spent more time crying the past few weeks than I did in my whole last pregnancy, and I'm NOT a crier! Aren't I doing what I'm supposed to. I'm paying my tithing, I paying more in fast offerings than I actually spend on food, and I'm pregnant it's not like I can even fast. I'm going the temple at least every other week. I'm praying, reading my scriptures, we are doing it as a family and a couple. What more are we supposed to do. Tyson is constantly looking for another job or a better job. He doesn't want me working almost as much as I don't want to be. I miss my babies, I hate that they are just fine with me dropping them off and basically disappearing for 3 days, sometimes more. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and if something doesn't pay off soon I really my lose my mind if not a few other things. (It doesn't help that my boss is back to work tomorrow from her vacation). I keep seeing this "joke" on pinterest that says "I don't know about you, but I've wanted to run away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid." The problem is, I still have these stupid broken cars, so not a whole lot of transportation to pull that off with. Things have to get better right?