Semi rant and ready for 2012 to be over

Here's the rant, sorta... So I'm on medicaid, I get WIC, we had food stamps, but I've never taken straight up financial aid. I used to look down on these people, and I'm kind of getting the drift that some people close to me feel the same way about me. I know there are people that take advantage of the system, but I am absolutely not one of them. I'd gladly give all these up for my husband to have a semi-decent job. As it is, that is not the situation, we both work, part time because he can't get a full time job and I still have children I want to care for. My husband is also in school. We are poor, do I wish we weren't, absolutely. Here's the thing, I think people see me talking about it and I think I come off a little too happy about the help, like maybe I am taking advantage of it. Well I guess you are right, I'm taking help, it's humbling, I wish we didn't need it, I wish we could get decent jobs, and I wish we could actually make some of our own choices. Here's what happens, yes I wasn't paying for groceries. We take home 2k-ish a month, we make a house payment, half of that is gone, but hey we didn't forclose and screw the bank over for 150k. We pay for electricity, phones, gas, city bill, car repairs, gasoline to go to work (I've put almost 2k on a credit card for gasoline alone), medical that medicaid doesn't cover, dental, food, small payments from debt involved with school and loss of job. If I didn't take the help I'd be in debt for a lot more than that, and you know what sucks more than being poor, being poor and believing I'll never get out of that hole. That's why I take the help, I need to feed my family, the doctor is a necessity. Do I seem happy about it, probably, because I'm so incredibly grateful that something in my life is being taken care of and not financially taking me down that hole even more. Sorry if I offend you by being appreciative.

Now count down till the end of the year. I spent all day at the hospital with my family. My dad had surgery yesterday and it seemed to go fine. This morning when my mom tried to wake him up, all was not fine, he would not wake up. He is doing much better now, but he's in the ICU and under constant monitoring because if he falls asleep his O2 levels drop and that's when he goes unconscious. So yeah this combined with the rest of the crap I've already written about, I'm so ready for this year to be over, bring on my baby, my lack of job and hubby's graduation in 2013 and I'll be a happy camper.

So here's the thing, if you are reading this, please reserve judgment, I know I'm a mess.

I've been having a hard time lately. Like a really hard time. My job pretty much makes me miserable and I literally can't wait for the day that I can quit. I dread every Monday morning and it's all I can do to survive Sunday nights. I'm almost embarrassed to say I think I've had a blessing every Sunday for the past month (at least) just to be able to survive the next 3 days. That said I've also felt like God has been picking on me and my little family.

We are pregnant, and I'm still just thrilled about that, but that seems to be the only thing going my way these days, and that was after we spent thousands of dollars that I really didn't have to spend. Tyson's tuition has been up in the air for over a month because he was approved for a pell grant last March only for them to change all the freaking requirements over the summer, we think we finally have that figured out (crosses fingers).

Tyson was out of work for 4 months at the beginning of this year and we've both been working to just survive and we've still gone into debt every month just paying for the gasoline to get to work to try and keep our home and take care of our family.

Then Ty's car broke down and it's pretty much unrepairable. We've been borrowing a car for month from my in-laws, then my car decided it's possessed and it honks randomly at people and my locks go off, we can't drive it at night because we don't have headlights, and we've been trying for a month to get the part (this started as soon as we got our notice to reregister, we had to pay for that, but it's still not registered because it won't pass safeties).

At our last doctor's appointment they couldn't find the heartbeat and I had a 20 minute one sided arguement with God telling him that if he took this baby I was done. Thankfully they pulled in an ultrasound and baby is fine, but I feel like I keep having this arguement. "God I can't handle anymore" and his response seemed to be repeatedly "You wanna bet?" and then he puts me through some other type of hell.

I can't even keep track of the amount of prayers I'm saying a day and the only response I seem to get is that you have keep going and my ways are not your ways. I find this insanely frustrating, I apparently have this insane desire to know why. According to Tyson I've spent more time crying the past few weeks than I did in my whole last pregnancy, and I'm NOT a crier! Aren't I doing what I'm supposed to. I'm paying my tithing, I paying more in fast offerings than I actually spend on food, and I'm pregnant it's not like I can even fast. I'm going the temple at least every other week. I'm praying, reading my scriptures, we are doing it as a family and a couple. What more are we supposed to do. Tyson is constantly looking for another job or a better job. He doesn't want me working almost as much as I don't want to be. I miss my babies, I hate that they are just fine with me dropping them off and basically disappearing for 3 days, sometimes more. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and if something doesn't pay off soon I really my lose my mind if not a few other things. (It doesn't help that my boss is back to work tomorrow from her vacation). I keep seeing this "joke" on pinterest that says "I don't know about you, but I've wanted to run away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid." The problem is, I still have these stupid broken cars, so not a whole lot of transportation to pull that off with. Things have to get better right?

3 Years!

We had our 3rd anniversary on the 14th and I got the day off of work so we could spend it together. We went to the temple and did sealings which we did on our first anniversary and around our second (we were out of town and no where near a temple so we went when we came back). I love doing sealings, it's like getting to renew our vows on a pretty frequent basis and I just love listening to the blessings. We also went out to dinner (courtesy of my in-laws) to Texas Road House while my parents watched the boys, then we went to Trafalga and went mini-golfing. It's very reminisent of one of our early dates and the first time I kissed my hubby in public. It was just fun thinking how vastly full the last 3 years of our life have been. We bought a house, had twins, renovated the house, took a trip back east, and now we are expecting baby number 3, and if all goes as planned just after this baby gets here my hubby will finally graduate!

In other news I'm very proud to report my children have actually getting better in church, it's still a struggle and there are definitely still goldfish, coloring books, cowboys and indians, ripped up bread, etc. involved, but it is getting better. On the downside my children have learned what a temper tantrum is and I don't appreciate it one bit. I really don't give them much mind when they do, just tell them to get up and move on. I'm hoping if I don't focus on it too much they won't think it gets them much and they'll stop.

Oh and tomorrow I'm thinking we are going to get to hear our babies heartbeat, I'm so excited!

Open letter to my ward:

I pray everyday for my children to behave better, to sit still at church, to just let them be occupied enough to avoid those tempting church aisles. I have no desire to let my kids run up and down the aisles, and I'm constantly embarrassed by it. Everytime Jameson runs to the front door and wants to play in the curtains my heart drops just a little and I hang my head in shame. I'm sincerely sorry if it is causing you problems with your children wondering why mine are behaving as they are. My options however are, let them run and have them be quiet so that you, others, and myself can hear; try to hold them in my lap and let them scream bloody murder; take them in the hall and have them scream bloody murder where I in turn get nothing out of being there and they possibly disrupt other classes; or just not bother to come in the first place because believe me that would be easier especially considering nap time is right in the middle of sacrament meeting. I know a few people that choose that last option and just don't come when it's nap time or when there is only one parent as is frequently my situation. I personally think it's better for me to be there, I think it sets a good example for my children that even though it's not easy and there are some places we'd sometimes rather be, that I come to church every week regardless because I know that's where we should be. I know there are people that do it better than I do. I frequently look at them whistfully and wonder why my kids can't just sit down at church. They do very well when we read scriptures every night and say our prayers, but sacrament meeting is hard for them. They do wonderfully in nursery during lesson and singing time, (I know because I worry and check up on them frequently). This is not an easy situation for me. I'm trying the best I can, which these days with how I've been feeling, is exponentially harder. Everyone wants to tell me what I am doing wrong and how to change their behavior and while it might have worked for them that does not mean it will do anything for me. Twins are hard, they feed off each other and if there was only one you can bet I'd be strapping that child down, but the 2 of them have me beat when my husband can't be there and they know it. I try desperately to keep them in our row, especially till the sacrament is over, I try to hold off snacks and small toys till then too and then try everything I can think of to keep them in the row, still I frequently end up wandering the halls wondering why I'm even bothering. I'm doing everything I possibly can to help them behave. I hope you notice the behavior is different when there are two of us there. I'm trying and that's the best I can do right now. I can't reason with them, they don't understand me well enough yet and I them. Some kids you can just tell to do something and work on it and that works. Not mine, they have a need to understand why. I'm really not a softy when it comes to discipline, but really there is only so much I can do to get a 2 year old to understand. It will happen in time, one day they will sit still for 30 minutes, then an hour, and more. For now my goal is surviving. If you would like me to go somewhere else let me know and we'll go try and find somewhere else where we fit in better.

Update, I suck and post tites...

I'm about eight and a half weeks in and I'm really thinking this pregnancy is vastly different from the last one. I'm not nearly as sick as I was last time. I still get decently nauseous, but no vomit yet, thank heavens. I have my first appointment on the 20th and then another one on the 30th with my actual OB. I'm kind of sad because I know I'm not getting nearly as many ultrasounds as I did last time. It probably seems odd that I was happy to be at the hospital every other week, but it was fun seeing my babies and I really felt like I knew who they were. This time it's going to be very different, starting with way less appointments. I'm still plenty nervous though. It was all my insane monitoring last time that caught my preeclampsia and I'm not going to have that this time (I think, I guess I'll know for sure in a couple of weeks) I just really want everything to go smoothly and more than anything get a happy, healthy baby out of this (and if I could quit my job anytime soon that would really be nice too).

Tyson starts school for the "last" time this month and he's looking for a second job, he really wants me to stop working too. It's a good thing, but I'm really afraid of never seeing him. I used to be a really independent person, but if there is one thing I've learned while he's been at scout camp this week is that I'm no longer that person, and I'm okay with that. Man I really like having him around, if I knew what he was going to be like as a husband and father he would have had to beat me off with a stick, I'm just glad he was really determined.

Anyways thats the gist, life is really busy and we are about to have out 3rd anniversary, 3 kids in 3.5 years, yeah we maybe nuts, but we love it!

My babies are 2! and other news

I can't believe my tiny little babies are now 2 years old. We had a checkup this week and the doctor actual said developmently they are ahead of schedule and other than the fact that they are a little small you would never know they are preemies. Jackson actually reached the 5% in weight and 4% in height and Jameson finally hit the weight charts at 3%, though height was only 1%, but hey, my little men are a growing!

We had their birthday party today and it was a whole "Take me out to the ball game" theme with hotdogs, nachos, peanuts, homemade cracker jacks, homemade rootbeer, etc. We had so much fun and my boys now have a million balls (baseballs, footballs, soccer balls, beach balls etc.) we also got them a t-ball set and they haven't stopped playing with it. It was so much fun to have family come over and celebrate with us.

Speaking of celebrating, our "other news" is that I am pregnant! Only 6.5 weeks, but I just can't keep a secret (at least not one I'm this excited about, I can't believe I kept it for 2 weeks as it is!).  I'm due March 14th and we've had an ultrasound (this baby is all heart,). This time we only have one, but I'm happy, I was a little disappointed at first, but in the long run I think it will be better for us. My back is messed up and twin pregnancies take a lot out of you. I also think it will be easier for the boys to adjust to 1 rather than 2. I'm counting the days till Tyson can fully support our family and I can quit my job. I don't totally hate it, but I'm kind of sick of cooking for 80 and then not having the energy to feed my boys anything but poptarts for dinner (that haven't even been heated, don't judge me!). I love being a mom, it's my favorite job and I can't wait to do it full time again.

I think that's all for now, good luck to all those out there trying, miracles do happen!

Next up...

So we decided we aren't going to do the IUI again, at least for a month or two, we can't really afford it  anyways. In the meantime we are going to continue trying with just the meds and hope maybe something happens in the next month or two, if not maybe we will be able to save up some money to try something else.

On a more silly note, I have entered my boys in the baby contest for Summerfest, and though I shouldn't have, I totally bought them adorable new outfits. I figure we can use them this once and then they can be birthday presents. Yes, I really do have to rationalize pretty much everything I do, especially if it involves money. Anyways, I got the letter with the stuff they are doing and there is a twins/siblings category, and they are identical blue eyed adorable little boys, so I figured maybe that would give us a leg up. I don't really care if we win anything, but it would be way cool if they did and I'd be covered with birthday presents for next month, and that would be really great. Also they give you a picture, and my boys really need new pictures. My photographer went and moved to Vegas a while back and I can't bring myself to find a new right now. (I miss you Megan!) Anyways, wish us luck! (I say that a lot these days, don't I?)